Marriage

Marriage is hard! I remember being a young woman and thinking that is I just got married in the temple the world would fall in to place. My first marriage was a bit of a disaster as I disregarded everything I knew.  I chose to not follow my standards and felt that it would work out as he was born LDS and he said he really did love the gospel. I remember thinking I can fix all that is wrong. Well, years later I came to the conclusion that I can't and one day the distance between us and the space that we let fall between us became to much. So divorce was the only option. I realized that day I had to fix me and become the person I wanted to be.  I desired to fix everything that was wrong with me and  in the process I would find someone that would LOVE me for me. Someone that would be my better half.
   Well, Years later  enters my current husband. He is a great man! I can;t say enough about the person he is.  But he forgets to be a great man to himself and he is as mean to himself as others are about him. he belittles himself. and forgets what an amazing man he is. Because he feels so little about himself he takes it out on himself. Why exercise no one cares what you do you are always gong to be fat.  go on a walk why... you are going to stuff your fat face later. This is what I hear my husband say to himself. I would move mountains for him to understand how much I LOVE HIM. However he allows the adversary to come in and tell him he is not worth it. He has given up. This causes issues because I want to continue to fix me and that scares him and disrupts the current grove.

 To anyone reading this.... I want you to decide giving up is not an option.  Remember to say your prayers and read your scriptures and  make an effort to become the person you want to become. Decide today that you are going to change something about you. Set goals and support others in this same goal. It has taken me a while to decide that my husband has his own thing going on and I need to do what makes me happy as long as it is with the standards of the gospel. I go on walks and I get out of my comfort zone and get to know people and make friends and enjoy the life I have.  I invite him along. But , I decided he has to have the choice to decide what he wants. He then gets to decide what he wants and who he wants to become. I can't take away his agency just as he can't take away mine. in this realization. A lot of our "Problems" went away. I realized he had to choose to be my best friend and if he didn't want to be then so be it. I can love him and not need him to be with me 24/7 like when we were dating.

 However I do have advise for every girl. If you are dating a guy decide is the life we are living the way I want to live forever. Do you guys enjoy some of the same activities? Do you go out of your way to interact with the others interests? If this is as good as it gets would you chose it? If the answer is no, don't get married till you fix you both.

 I gave up a lot when I married my husband. Because of the geographical locations. I don't resent the choices I made. I however do have to remind myself I chose this life and all that came with it. I will admit some days in marriage it is so much easier to think If I just walk away someone else would be better. But, when I hold his hand my heart melts and the moments we are on the same page he is very much my best friend.

  The point of this is marriage is hard and you have to pick your spouse every day. You have to decide you love them. you have to find a happy medium and you must choose to not yell and fight and decide to not get offended and to love them through the anger and hurt feelings. It is REALLY hard some days. I know more then most how hard it is to love through the tears and the unkind things our spouses do. Know that most of the time it isn't YOU it is an action they are upset about. talk to them and come to a resolution. My favorite saying is, I love you more then you can bug me and I will show you by the way I treat you when you bug me.   Remember the lord loves you and you are worth every moment you breath!

who are you?

Seems like Forever since I posted last at least a year, today I am reminded of life. I am reminded of choices we make and how they affect our lives. I had a scenario yesterday that made me glad that I am the honest caring person I am. I say this because I had interaction with someone from my past. A past I would like to forget and a past I want to be done with.  However, because of the person I am, I desired to do the right thing. What I felt was the right thing. However In order to do that I had to pick up the phone and talk to someone I truly felt betrayed by. Someone who the thought of makes me shake and by the tone of their voice has always been able to get me to allow the adversary in and run my Brain in a million directions. Making me think I am less then I am. That I am worthless and a waste of skin.  

 well...this call was no diffrent. It felt like I was in my early twenties and every bad feeling and emotion came flooding back as soon as that tone came on the phone. I felt the need to prove I was different, that I was trying to change that he didn't know me  anymore. However, I had a moment of clarity. Not that the call didn't affect my mood but I truly know I did the right thing. I don't feel bad about it and today I truly feel that just because they are mean that I need to move forward  and know that I did the right thing. This morning I feel Impowered that someday I will have to answer  for my actions and so will this person and I feel content in my interaction that I took the higher ground. I am by no means thinking I am perfect but I do think that the Lord gives us trials to make us better and to help us turn in to the women and men we are meant to be. We are allowed to be tested  in order to learn the lessons. So we can prove to ourselves that we learned the lesson. I think it is important to tech each other what it is to assess a situation after the fact. I find it is important that we go back and truly think is the actions I took really the best way for me to behave. If I was treated the way I treated that person would I be happy? Would I feel valued. In this situation looking back I was pleased that I did all I could to be me. The true me, the me that is a wife and someday a mother. The me that I have to look in the mirror everyday and decide if I am the best me I can be.  I know as of today I am. As of my prayers this morning I am, today brings a new day and new challenges but I know the Lord is my Father and he loves me. He would move mountains if it is what I needed to learn and become more like him. So I leave you with these questions.... 

Are you the best you? Is there something you can or should change about yourself ? Is there someone you have wronged? Can you make it right? That is what I want you to think about..... who are you?