Honesty with myself....

I put up walls. I love everyone but only enough that they can't hurt me. That they can't damage my inner-self.  I struggle so much to not let the walls down because it hurts. It makes me feel like I am a girl with my first crush and that my heart is going to explode. I know that sounds dumb I am twenty eight years old but I shut love out. I have no desire to let anyone in because if I do then I could get hurt. Not just kinda hurt like can't sleep, rips a little piece of my heart out for that boy kinda hurt. My awesome sister Kim found this song and it really hit home for me :)

 "Beneath Your Beautiful"
(feat. Emeli Sandé)

You tell all the boys "No"
Makes you feel good, yeah.
I know you're out of my league
But that won't scare me away, oh, no

You've carried on so long,
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I'm gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You let all the girls go
Makes you feel good, don't it?
Behind your Broadway show
I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"

You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it.
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

See beneath, see beneath,
I...
Tonight
I...

I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK
'Cause I'll be right here
I just wanna know

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl (take it off now, boy,take it off now, boy)
'Cause I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.
We ain't perfect, we ain't perfect, no.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?


I think I am forever looking for a man I can trust. A man that I could give my heart forever and he would cherish it, knowing it is the only thing that can crush me. A man that I wouldn't have to worry about letting in to my soul and that would Love me for eternity. I have dreams of an eternal companion and a man that the lord is preparing for me. I just haven't found him yet. I just worry that I am expecting to much from men. I see how many have porn and other addictions, the men who drink and really don't want to live the gospel and it makes me sad that they just think the atonement is there for them to SOMEDAY decide, but what if Someday never comes. Then I have hope when I see the worthy priesthood holders in the ward and I think if only they would notice me. If only they could see how much I admire and really treasure our friendship. Yet that is all it is... Friends... I am the friend. Oh well someday my prince will come.....