Marriage

Marriage is hard! I remember being a young woman and thinking that is I just got married in the temple the world would fall in to place. My first marriage was a bit of a disaster as I disregarded everything I knew.  I chose to not follow my standards and felt that it would work out as he was born LDS and he said he really did love the gospel. I remember thinking I can fix all that is wrong. Well, years later I came to the conclusion that I can't and one day the distance between us and the space that we let fall between us became to much. So divorce was the only option. I realized that day I had to fix me and become the person I wanted to be.  I desired to fix everything that was wrong with me and  in the process I would find someone that would LOVE me for me. Someone that would be my better half.
   Well, Years later  enters my current husband. He is a great man! I can;t say enough about the person he is.  But he forgets to be a great man to himself and he is as mean to himself as others are about him. he belittles himself. and forgets what an amazing man he is. Because he feels so little about himself he takes it out on himself. Why exercise no one cares what you do you are always gong to be fat.  go on a walk why... you are going to stuff your fat face later. This is what I hear my husband say to himself. I would move mountains for him to understand how much I LOVE HIM. However he allows the adversary to come in and tell him he is not worth it. He has given up. This causes issues because I want to continue to fix me and that scares him and disrupts the current grove.

 To anyone reading this.... I want you to decide giving up is not an option.  Remember to say your prayers and read your scriptures and  make an effort to become the person you want to become. Decide today that you are going to change something about you. Set goals and support others in this same goal. It has taken me a while to decide that my husband has his own thing going on and I need to do what makes me happy as long as it is with the standards of the gospel. I go on walks and I get out of my comfort zone and get to know people and make friends and enjoy the life I have.  I invite him along. But , I decided he has to have the choice to decide what he wants. He then gets to decide what he wants and who he wants to become. I can't take away his agency just as he can't take away mine. in this realization. A lot of our "Problems" went away. I realized he had to choose to be my best friend and if he didn't want to be then so be it. I can love him and not need him to be with me 24/7 like when we were dating.

 However I do have advise for every girl. If you are dating a guy decide is the life we are living the way I want to live forever. Do you guys enjoy some of the same activities? Do you go out of your way to interact with the others interests? If this is as good as it gets would you chose it? If the answer is no, don't get married till you fix you both.

 I gave up a lot when I married my husband. Because of the geographical locations. I don't resent the choices I made. I however do have to remind myself I chose this life and all that came with it. I will admit some days in marriage it is so much easier to think If I just walk away someone else would be better. But, when I hold his hand my heart melts and the moments we are on the same page he is very much my best friend.

  The point of this is marriage is hard and you have to pick your spouse every day. You have to decide you love them. you have to find a happy medium and you must choose to not yell and fight and decide to not get offended and to love them through the anger and hurt feelings. It is REALLY hard some days. I know more then most how hard it is to love through the tears and the unkind things our spouses do. Know that most of the time it isn't YOU it is an action they are upset about. talk to them and come to a resolution. My favorite saying is, I love you more then you can bug me and I will show you by the way I treat you when you bug me.   Remember the lord loves you and you are worth every moment you breath!

who are you?

Seems like Forever since I posted last at least a year, today I am reminded of life. I am reminded of choices we make and how they affect our lives. I had a scenario yesterday that made me glad that I am the honest caring person I am. I say this because I had interaction with someone from my past. A past I would like to forget and a past I want to be done with.  However, because of the person I am, I desired to do the right thing. What I felt was the right thing. However In order to do that I had to pick up the phone and talk to someone I truly felt betrayed by. Someone who the thought of makes me shake and by the tone of their voice has always been able to get me to allow the adversary in and run my Brain in a million directions. Making me think I am less then I am. That I am worthless and a waste of skin.  

 well...this call was no diffrent. It felt like I was in my early twenties and every bad feeling and emotion came flooding back as soon as that tone came on the phone. I felt the need to prove I was different, that I was trying to change that he didn't know me  anymore. However, I had a moment of clarity. Not that the call didn't affect my mood but I truly know I did the right thing. I don't feel bad about it and today I truly feel that just because they are mean that I need to move forward  and know that I did the right thing. This morning I feel Impowered that someday I will have to answer  for my actions and so will this person and I feel content in my interaction that I took the higher ground. I am by no means thinking I am perfect but I do think that the Lord gives us trials to make us better and to help us turn in to the women and men we are meant to be. We are allowed to be tested  in order to learn the lessons. So we can prove to ourselves that we learned the lesson. I think it is important to tech each other what it is to assess a situation after the fact. I find it is important that we go back and truly think is the actions I took really the best way for me to behave. If I was treated the way I treated that person would I be happy? Would I feel valued. In this situation looking back I was pleased that I did all I could to be me. The true me, the me that is a wife and someday a mother. The me that I have to look in the mirror everyday and decide if I am the best me I can be.  I know as of today I am. As of my prayers this morning I am, today brings a new day and new challenges but I know the Lord is my Father and he loves me. He would move mountains if it is what I needed to learn and become more like him. So I leave you with these questions.... 

Are you the best you? Is there something you can or should change about yourself ? Is there someone you have wronged? Can you make it right? That is what I want you to think about..... who are you?

Constantly Reminded....

Do you ever feel like you are reminded everyday about people whom are no longer in your life? I say this because I struggle with goodbyes and I find that every time I turn around the past and people I truly Loved as family are gone from my life, they moved on and I struggle with the constant goodbyes, the reminders that I miss them.  I say this because it is time for  Christmas shopping and I was looking through ABC distributing and  I stumbled on a cute gift from the wizard of OZ and I was reminded of my ex- mother in law. I do have some wonderful memories of her and I really wish they didn't hate me so much. I get it, don't get me wrong the fact that I divorced their son and caused them pain and being they only know half the story it makes since. I would hate me too. However, I think am I crazy for missing them. For missing the craft days and the quilting? Am I crazy for missing the time spent to develop the frail relationship we had? However I miss them all. I tried so hard to get to know them  that I am reminded of Rendell whenever I see M&M candy dispensers and Yvonne when I see  Pillsbury dough boy items. I think of Michael when I see Cars toys and Pirates anything. I remember the fun times and the good times. I remember how fun it was to surprise them with something I found. I miss that. I find I don't have that kind of relationship with my sisters and I feel like in a lot of ways that when I left Michael I also lost my sisters. Oh well life moves on. The lord always makes it work out. Everything happens for a reason.

Ever unsure...?

I wonder do people ever wonder if they don't see themselves how others do? I say that because Well... I have had a few people make comments to me that don't make much sense. I have been told that I am pushy when it comes to texts. Now, everyone that I know says I am not an avid text-er and I reply as long as the conversation keeps going. I  just can't figure it all out. It seems like there is so much that people read in to.  I don't know am I crazy maybe so...?

Honesty with myself....

I put up walls. I love everyone but only enough that they can't hurt me. That they can't damage my inner-self.  I struggle so much to not let the walls down because it hurts. It makes me feel like I am a girl with my first crush and that my heart is going to explode. I know that sounds dumb I am twenty eight years old but I shut love out. I have no desire to let anyone in because if I do then I could get hurt. Not just kinda hurt like can't sleep, rips a little piece of my heart out for that boy kinda hurt. My awesome sister Kim found this song and it really hit home for me :)

 "Beneath Your Beautiful"
(feat. Emeli Sandé)

You tell all the boys "No"
Makes you feel good, yeah.
I know you're out of my league
But that won't scare me away, oh, no

You've carried on so long,
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I'm gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You let all the girls go
Makes you feel good, don't it?
Behind your Broadway show
I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"

You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it.
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

See beneath, see beneath,
I...
Tonight
I...

I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK
'Cause I'll be right here
I just wanna know

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl (take it off now, boy,take it off now, boy)
'Cause I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.
We ain't perfect, we ain't perfect, no.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?


I think I am forever looking for a man I can trust. A man that I could give my heart forever and he would cherish it, knowing it is the only thing that can crush me. A man that I wouldn't have to worry about letting in to my soul and that would Love me for eternity. I have dreams of an eternal companion and a man that the lord is preparing for me. I just haven't found him yet. I just worry that I am expecting to much from men. I see how many have porn and other addictions, the men who drink and really don't want to live the gospel and it makes me sad that they just think the atonement is there for them to SOMEDAY decide, but what if Someday never comes. Then I have hope when I see the worthy priesthood holders in the ward and I think if only they would notice me. If only they could see how much I admire and really treasure our friendship. Yet that is all it is... Friends... I am the friend. Oh well someday my prince will come.....

Choosing a name

I had a real hard time finding a name for my blog. Something I could continue on for a long time from now and that would have meaning to me and all that read it. Well I was thinking about things in my life and I remembered a talk by N.Eldon Tanner called Put on the Whole Armor of God. Please read below and you will see what I mean. It fits perfectly with where I am in life. :)

“Put on the Whole Armor of God”

N. Eldon Tanner

This is an inspiring sight indeed—the greatest body of men which could be assembled anywhere on the earth, and for the greatest reason. I am always awed by looking out at this audience as I think of all you priesthood holders gathered together in 1,547 buildings throughout the world.

What a great army of the priesthood with the power of God delegated to you to act in his name! I feel a tremendous responsibility as I contemplate the purpose of this gathering.

It seems fitting to recall the words of a song entitled “We Are All Enlisted.” Since these words fit into the theme of my message tonight, I should like to repeat some of them as they apply to us as priesthood holders:

We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er. …

Soldiers in the army, there’s a bright crown in store;

We shall win and wear it by and by.

Haste to the battle, quick to the field,

Truth is our helmet, buckler, and shield.

Stand by our colors—proudly they wave. …

Hark! ’tis our Captain calls you today;

Lose not a moment, make no delay!

Fight for our Savior, come, come away! …

Fighting for a kingdom, and the world is our foe. …

Glad to join the army, we will sing as we go;

We shall gain the victory by and by.

Dangers may gather—why should we fear?

Jesus, our Leader, ever is near.

He will protect us, comfort and cheer.

The text of my address is from Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians:

“Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

“Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day. …

“Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

“And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

“Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

“And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

“Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit.” (Eph. 6:11–18.)

The great unrest in the world today and the wars and rumors of wars are affecting us greatly; but as Paul says, our greatest and most deadly struggle will be “not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, [and] against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

Paul then warned the Ephesians, which warning is applicable to us today, that we can only withstand the evils which surround us by putting on the whole armor of God, which he then described.

I should like to give you from the scriptures some examples which show how those who are clothed in such armor, which means keeping all the commandments of God, are able to withstand the adversary, or their enemies. Let me tell you about David (see 1 Sam. 17).

The Philistines were at war with Israel, and Goliath, the Philistine, was challenging Israel to send a man to fight him, with the understanding that the losers would be slaves of the conquerors.

We are told that Goliath had a helmet of brass upon his head and was armed with a coat of mail; that he had brass upon his legs and between his shoulders; that the staff of his spear was like a weaver’s beam; that his spear’s head weighed six hundred shekels of iron; and a shieldbearer went before him.

On the other hand, when David agreed to meet the Philistine he took only his staff and chose five smooth stones out of the brook and put them in his shepherd’s bag.

When Goliath saw this young man the Israelites had sent to challenge him, he was disdainful and said: “Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.

“Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

“This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; … that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.” (1 Sam. 17:44–46.)

Then David, clothed with the armor of God, took a stone from his bag and, with his sling, shot it into the forehead of Goliath, an unprotected part of his body, and he fell dead.

Now, President Romney has told you tonight what happened to David after he became king because he did not continue to have the whole armor of God. We must put on the whole armor of God, or we will be vulnerable to temptation in those areas where we have weaknesses and where we have failed to give ourselves the protection offered through keeping the commandments.

Another example of the protection which comes from the whole armor of God is found in the life of Joseph who was sold into Egypt (see Gen. 37, Gen. 39–47). From his youth he was a faithful and true young man, always keeping the commandments of God.

Because he was favored by his father, Joseph’s brothers were jealous of him and plotted to kill him; but his brother Reuben prevailed upon them to spare his life and to cast him into a pit, from which he was later rescued, taken to Egypt, and sold to Potiphar, captain of the king’s guard.

Potiphar soon recognized his worth and made him overseer over all that he had. The Bible says that “Joseph was a goodly person, and well favoured” (Gen. 39:6).

Thus it was that his master’s wife desired him, but Joseph refused her advances, and he fled from her. She caught hold of his cloak, which he left in her hand. This she used as evidence against him.

Her husband believed her lies and cast Joseph into prison, where he remained many years, when he was summoned before Pharaoh, the king.

It seems that the king had a dream which none of his wise men nor magicians could interpret, and someone remembered that Joseph had interpreted dreams while in prison which came to pass as predicted.

When Pharaoh related his dream unto Joseph, he was able to interpret it and to warn about the seven years of plenty to be followed by seven years of famine which were to come upon Egypt, and to give instructions to the king as to what he should do.

Joseph made it very clear that the interpretation came from God, who through this dream was directing Pharaoh. Because he knew that God was with Joseph, Pharaoh appointed him to be ruler over all the land of Egypt, and in this position he was later able to save his own family from starvation. I think you all know the story.

Joseph had arrayed himself in the whole armor of God, and God was with him through his tribulations, which he withstood; and, continuing to keep the commandments and to call upon God for help and strength, he was blessed and able to do what God required of him.

It is important that we make up our minds early in life as to what we will do and what we will not do. Long before the moment of temptation comes we should have determined that we will resist that cigarette, that drink of whiskey, that act of immorality, or anything that will keep us from enjoying the companionship of the Spirit of the Lord.

We all have different weaknesses and temptations, and we should examine our lives to find out what those weaknesses are and where we should put on extra armor so we can do what is right and not submit to temptation.

Now another example: I suppose no one had more or greater experiences regarding the protection which comes from wearing the whole armor of God than did Daniel (see Dan. 1–2, Dan. 6). At the summons of King Nebuchadnezzar, he, with other chosen children of Israel, was brought to live in the king’s palace for certain training.

They were to be carefully nourished for three years, at which time they would stand before the king. Apparently they were to be fed with the choicest of food, including the king’s meat and wine.

Daniel and his three friends, whom we know as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, begged permission to refuse the king’s meat and wine, and the prince who had charge over them told Daniel that the king would be very angry if they appeared less healthy and fair to look upon than the others through their failure to eat the king’s fare.

So Daniel asked for a period of ten days in which they might eat pulse, meaning vegetables, and drink water, and then be compared with the others who were eating and drinking the king’s fare—meat and wine.

After ten days they looked better and appeared healthier than all the others, so they were allowed to continue.

At the end of three years, when they were brought before the king, we are told that among them all was found none like Daniel and his three friends, and in all matters of wisdom and understanding, the king found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers in his realm.

What a great parallel with the promise given in our Word of Wisdom that “all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;

“And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;

“And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.

“And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them.” (D&C 89:18–21.)

Each of these promises was fulfilled in behalf of Daniel and his friends in the following accounts of their most interesting experiences.

King Nebuchadnezzar had a dream which troubled him but which he could not recall. He was about to put to death all of his wise men and astrologers, including Daniel and his friends, because none could tell him the dream nor the interpretation. But Daniel asked the king for a little time and promised that he would tell him the dream and its interpretation.

After Daniel pleaded with the Lord, the secret was revealed to him in a vision, and he was able to tell the king his dream and the interpretation. But he made it very clear to the king that the secret had been revealed by the God in heaven, and its purpose was to let the king know some of the events that would come to pass concerning his kingdom and how the kingdom of God would eventually be established upon the earth.

The king was greatly impressed and said to Daniel, “Of a truth it is, that your God is a God of gods, and a Lord of kings, and a revealer of secrets, seeing thou couldest reveal this secret” (Dan. 2:47).

Daniel was still in favor with the next two succeeding kings, but the king’s advisers were jealous and tried to find some reason to discredit Daniel. They could find none, but knowing of Daniel’s prayers to his God, contrived to have the king issue a decree that anyone asking a petition of any god or man save the king should be cast into the den of lions.

You know what happened. In spite of this order, Daniel continued to pray. When he was seen, he was taken before the king, who, because of his regard for Daniel, was displeased with himself for issuing the decree and would have freed Daniel; but he was reminded that the law of the Medes and Persians required that no decree may be changed but must be carried out.

As Daniel was cast into the den of lions, the disturbed king said to him, “Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee” (Dan. 6:16).

He spent a sleepless night and went early to the den of lions, where he rejoiced to find Daniel still alive, who said to him, “My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions’ mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt” (Dan. 6:22).

The king had Daniel brought out of the lions’ den and his accusers cast in, who were immediately killed by the hungry beasts.

Daniel, having kept all of the commandments, indeed had clothed himself in the whole armor of God. Are we prepared to act as did David and Joseph and Daniel—continuing to keep the commandments—and others whom we know to have been protected because they worshiped and served the true God and kept his commandments?

Consider the following questions:

Are we studying the scriptures so that we can increase our knowledge and faith and testimony regarding the gospel? Do we keep the commandments? Are we honest and truthful in our dealings? Do we keep the Sabbath day holy? Do we observe the Word of Wisdom? Do we pay an honest tithing? Do we attend our meetings and respond to the calls made of us by our authorities? Are we virtuous and clean and pure in heart and mind and deed?

Do we fight against the evils around us—pornography, abortion, tobacco, alcohol, drugs? Do we have the courage to stand up for our convictions? Can we truly say we are not ashamed of the gospel of Christ? Do we live peaceably with our neighbors and avoid gossip and backbiting and spreading unfounded rumors? Do we truly love our neighbors as ourselves?

If we can answer yes to these questions, then we will have on the whole armor of God, which will protect us from harm and preserve us from our enemies. If we must answer no to these questions, then our armor is weak, there is an unshielded place which can be found, a vulnerable area for attack, and we will be subject to injury or destruction by Satan, who will search until he finds our weaknesses, if we have them.

Examine your armor. Is there an unguarded or unprotected place? Determine now to add whatever part is missing. No matter how antiquated or lacking in parts your armor may be, always remember that it is within your power to make the necessary adjustments to complete your armor.

Through the great principle of repentance you can turn your life about and begin now clothing yourself with the armor of God through study, prayer, and a determination to serve God and keep his commandments.

May I conclude with the oath and covenant of the priesthood, which if observed and kept will provide a shield and a protection, with all the promised blessings for the faithful:

“For whoso is faithful unto the obtaining these two priesthoods of which I have spoken, and the magnifying their calling, are sanctified by the Spirit unto the renewing of their bodies.

“They become the sons of Moses and of Aaron and the seed of Abraham, and the church and kingdom, and the elect of God.

“And also all they who receive this priesthood receive me, saith the Lord;

“For he that receiveth my servants receiveth me;

“And he that receiveth me receiveth my Father;

“And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.

“And this is according to the oath and covenant which belongeth to the priesthood.

“Therefore, all those who receive the priesthood, receive this oath and covenant of my Father, which he cannot break, neither can it be moved.

“But whoso breaketh this covenant after he hath received it, and altogether turneth therefrom, shall not have forgiveness of sins in this world, nor in the world to come.” (D&C 84:33–41.)

Brethren, we are greatly blessed to know that God lives and we are his spirit children; that his son, Jesus Christ, gave his life so that we might be resurrected and enjoy eternal life.

We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ, which was reestablished through the Prophet Joseph Smith. We hold the priesthood of God, and the progress of the Church depends on us and how fully we magnify our callings and follow the instructions of our present-day prophet, President Spencer W. Kimball.

I exhort all of you to listen closely to his messages and follow him. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.